I take great pride in managing my households finances.  Dirk and I were never terrible at this before getting married, but we also were not particularly proactive in saving or setting financial goals.  Before we got married, I came up with a master spreadsheet that near plans out all of our finances for each year.  Give me any date this year, and I can likely tell you how much money we will have at that time.

Of course, this doesn’t plan for things like disasters, bonus’ or tax refunds, but those have their own separate savings account as not to upset my beautiful spreadsheet.  Go ahead and call me OCD, it’s okay.  In our first nine months of marriage we have managed to seriously pay down some debt, fill up some savings, and give when God has asked.

All it took was one day for my financial security to tumble to the ground.  Between two incorrect W2’s and chaos in transferring to a new car insurance company, my little spreadsheet went from black to red.  My blood pressure rose, my anxiety level was through the roof, and I grasped for control anywhere I could find it.

This same week, we also had a random tornado warning in the middle of the night which awoke my, and my dogs, PTSD from when the tree fell on our house.  In my fear, I wanted to hide in the back of the hall closet until the storm had passed.  That is exactly what I did, and with it, I emptied the hall closet out all over the house.  The next day I was convinced we should clean out all of the closets of the house, as well as rearrange the back room, and a long list of other home repairs.  Dirk put up with me for a day or two before I could see that I had projected all of my anxiety on to him.

I have always struggled with anxiety.  Being a creative kid, I always was more aware of the negative space than in concrete things.  To this day, I am often more concerned with how things feel rather than what something actually is.

I know this anxiety has been bubbling for some time.  I have always lived my life with a firm grasp on my passions.  I have always been able to dream big and see a vision for my life.  Not having this lately has left me a frazzled anxious pile of emotions.  A heaviness has covered my chest that doesn’t allow me to breathe deep.  Ugh!

I am not defeated though.  I have seen enough to know that these are simply growing pains.  I don’t know what I’m growing toward, but I know there is a change coming.  My spirit is too unsettled for things to stay the same.

And yes, our closets are now clean in preparation for all future tornado warnings.

Anyone else experiencing some growing pains?